man's search for meaning (Victor Frankl)

another book, another blog....

well, this one is based on experiences in a concentration camp during the holocaust. funny, but i had been searching for a long time, for a book that would describe in details what prisoners at Austwitch went through. this quest for info started after reading Vikram Seth's Two Lives. The book touches upon Hitler and the holocaust, but not in details.

Victor talks about his own experiences, various phases that a prisoner goes through in the camp and how, with increasing anguish, he hardens towards life. there are moments when one feels one has risen above all the pain that life can inflict upon you. the transformation from a rational human being to a near-animal like being is smooth, given the intensity of pain (both mental and physical). and then, it stops hurting (mentally and physically....). yes its the same world, where babies sleep in their mothers' laps, where little girls play with their dads, families have meals together and lovers talk about being in heaven. strange, that in the same world, there are atrocities such as these, that can shake a man like nothing can (not even death...).

stranger is the fact, that it is man who has created these varied facets of life.......

one story narrated by Victor remains in my mind.....there was a man at the camp who once dreamt that he will be free on March 31st. he believed it completely, and started looking forward to his freedom...life with his family, no pain....

March 31st came, and he was still there..at the camp. so much he had hoped, that the disappointment of his dream not coming true killed him....he breathed his last that day....finally free.

How much do we hope...?

for one more day

Finished reading the latest from Mitch Albom today..."for one more day" - a story about a man who meets his dead mother for a day (only Mitch can deal with such subjects in a completely uncomplicated manner). the book has touched my heart, made me think, and brought back many childhood memories....which i thought of penning down.

i was 10 when dad expired. he wasn't with us when he breathed his last. i remember being woken up in the middle of the night, to be given this news. mum was unconsolable....she was only 36 then, with three kids...me the youngest. i remember lying down with her that night, on the carpet in the drawing room, gazing at the stars from the window at 5 in the morning...trying to understand how far heaven was.things were never the same after that. at that time, for me it probably only meant moving to a different city, new school, making new friends, and, not being able to put my head on dad's stomach while he slept. but mum had to go through much more - relations with some relatives soured, there was no one earning in the family (mum cud not work as she wasn't educated enough) and we all had to complete our studies, and above all, mum's personal life changed completely. from army style parties to no friends or relatives to go out with. she became lonely, very alone. her life centred around her kids, us....and she was always strong in front of us, encouraged me to play with friends and be happy....played with us at times, stayed awake when i studied at night.

inspired by Mitch's latest book, i decided to write down about the times my mother has stood up for me or just been by my side, with me. here it goes...the list is long, so i will pen down a few examples.

1) my first memories - mum had taken up a job at a local beauty parlour to be financially independent and also keep herself busy. money was a problem, but we had access to basic comforts of life. however, it often got difficult (mum often got cold drinks for us after selling old newspapers. it was a treat - everytime old papers were sold, we all used to decide about what to do with the money). mum used to go to the parlour after we went to school, come back for lunch and then go again. i used to hate the fact that she was not there to spend time with me after i came back from school. one day she was ready to return to the parlour after lunch, and i was almost in tears...told her "plz dont go, i get bored". she looked at me, stopped for a moment, smiled and said okay. that was it. she never went after that.

2) when i was applying for admission to colleges, and not getting in anywhere due to not so good marks, i went to one college to find out about seats. mum was with me (yes, throughout my college struggle, she was with me....in the bus, in the queues...). we were told at the college gate that admission was closed. but somehow, we managed to see the principal after my mum convinced a staff member. the principal, ofcourse keeping in mind the college regulations, was absolutely uncooperative, and almost curt. i got up to leave the room, but mum stayed. for 2 min she was lookin at me, then looked at the principal and folded her hands. she begged him to give admission to me as i really wanted to go to a good college. the principal was heartless...showing no respect for my mother. i had to almost drag mum out of her seat...

3) when i graduated (through correspondence) i was unhappy with my marks, yet again.... a third division. i was wondering what mum would say. but when i reached home, mum had baked a cake, looked extremely happy and hugged me saying "my daughter has graduated...its a big day!"....she did'nt bother about my marks...and ofcourse, now things are different:)

People often say that i worry too much about my mum, and spend too much time with her instead of friends. but i love her and no one will ever understand how it feels to have a single parent, unless u have seen it yourself. I have seen loneliness so close by, that sometimes i feel i have aslo become used to it. i often question God about why he did this to mum, but i know there are no answers. a young and beautiful lady, spending two third of her life without a man in her life....no friends either. finding solace in her children's happiness only...its not easy. i love you mom

Kolkata

though i have stayed in cal for over five years when i was a kid, the city looked very different this time from the memories i had. may be becoz all my memories were from an age when i was 2 ft tall....eveything looks huge then. now everything seemed to be smaller than what i remembered...my house, my school, my friend's place.....and even the streets.

the weather is still humid though, and the traffic still as bad (yes, despite the flyovers).must say i was a bit disappointed to see my house in garia hat......it looked like an abandoned place....not taken care of, and very depressing initially. apart from the shop outside the gate, nothing else has changed in and around that building....literally nothing. hmmmm, its not easy going back to a place which brings back waves of memories....some good, some not so good.

my school was another disappointment (no i thoroughly enjoyed my nostalgic trip, but there were moments which made me sad....i cudn't understand how i was feeling). school looked very small too....and dilapidated. my first reaction was "is there where i studied?"the salt lake house was a saviour.....just the same as i remembered it, and newly painted (though no one stayed there). sat for a while at the place where mum used to wait for us when we came back from school, where we got a photo clicked with papa....and where i smoked my first cigarette!well.....mission accomplished....all said and done, i was initially thinking that i will not come back to the city again...not becoz i dnt want to, but becoz my work is done....and there is nothing left here

but as soon as we started on our way back and i closed my eyes, i had a strange feeling......i will come back to kolkata...soon