Just like that...

Life will be the way we make it
Your sadness wont go, unless you break it….

Somebody gave a good explanation about being agnostic. It means that you don’t care if there is any God. Not only that, it also means that you take complete responsibility of your own life, for your actions, for your joys as well as pain. You never blame God, coz there is none. I think this is commendable.

Goa, my heaven on earth

This blog comes a bit late; nevertheless, the feeling is same. I can easily say, the three days that I spent in Goa were my happiest this year. I had been wanting (yearning) to visit the place for the past two years; but that was not the reason of my happiness, as I had expected. I am not sure which one factor made it the most memorable for me; I think it was a combination of amazing (!!!) weather, good company (happy friends) and some thrill in the form of (motor) biking thrown in.

We hardly slept, but it did not matter. We were determined to make the best of the time that we had, enjoy to the hilt and just let go! It was almost like we were sentenced to death and those were the only three days we had before we would be hanged:)…may be that is an extreme view, but its difficult (impossible) to express the feeling of freedom in those ‘three complete’ days with friends, in an incredibly beautiful piece of land on this earth! It is not just the visual beauty though; Goa is breathtaking in its totality, an experience inexpressible in words…

We hadn’t planned riding bikes in the rain, but we got lucky. There were some 10 of us, two on each bike. It is easy to hire bikes in Goa; it is the key mode of private transport in the state. It was exhilarating to ride a bike without being bothered by the traffic! We were following each other, and whenever one lost sight of the other, we all stopped to make sure everyone was safe – this team spirit was another touching aspect of the trip (you don’t see it everyday at work:)).

The day we reached, we didn’t waste a minute at the hotel. We arranged for the bikes and headed straight towards Kolva beach in South Goa (North Goa would have taken us longer to reach as we were staying in the South). Midway, we stopped at a roadside shop (hut) to click some pictures, and ask for directions. The sight of Kolva beach appearing in front of us was heavenly…divine! It was dusk when we reached there, perfect time for a silent walk across the beach. After a few moments of solitude, we decided to hang out at a nearby shack. Hungry and tired, but happy and calm, we all settled down at the biggest table there, ordered some food and drinks and started clicking pictures again. The lighting there was dim, and one could hear the sound of waves at the beach – rising and falling, hitting the shore and retreating, only to come back. There was a band playing in the shack, and a guy who sang so well that when he started with “I just called to say I Love you”, we actually turned to see if it was Stevie Wonder singing:)! Hmm, what more do you want in life…

There was more of the beach and bikes over the next two days, we just couldn’t get enough of it. The sound of the waves, it makes you feel so insignificant; it makes you think “What am I running after…it is right here…”

Why is simplicity so complicated?

Chak de India...really?

Yes, I have seen Chak de, and like the majority, I am impressed by the movie. I have always been a SRK fan, and it gives me great pleasure to see the so-called SRK 'critics' silenced by the star's remarkable performance in the movie.

While the essence of the movie is team spirit, another notable aspect is how team India's victory in the women's hockey world cup does not seem like a far-fetched idea. The public nowdays does not ridicule those who have such dreams, thanks to Sania Mirza. We all are proud of her. In the movie hall, the ambience was tense before the last penalty hit of the game. It might as well have been the sight at a hockey ground. Yes, we are proud to be Indians, and it shows.

But beneath the layers of our pride, is an Indian who is ashamed to be one. There was this man sitting next to me with his 6 year (I think) old kid. After almost every dialogue in the movie, the kid would ask his father "Papa what is he saying?". The doting dad would then translate it into English and expalin it to the kid. What an irony! We are proud to be Indians - or are we?

Thought

Why do we wish so much
when we don't even live
Its true, we only breathe...

Trapped eternally in futile beliefs
we have stopped listening to the heart
Each one wants to be the best
and the 'best' is not defined

Have we lost the passion somewhere
to extricate life, every moment?
Is God a strict daddy
who punishes us for loving?
And who has created rules
that are different across boundaries....

So then who decides the rules?
You, me or 'them'...?

Its simple, to be happy
if only we let ourselves be....

Amazing quote

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” - Rumi

Without you...

The most beautiful day of my life is as vivid in my mind as nature after rains. Those three hours….how I wish my entire life could be wrapped up in that time. The walk along Camelback Road, getting wet in the drizzle, stopping by to have tea….simple things in life. Each moment was happier than the previous one….if there is heaven anywhere, it was then, there. In a crowded, hilly town in north India, this long stretch of road starts right in the middle of the mall road. And thereafter, the experience is totally different. I started walking expecting it to be a long, humdrum walk. I was pleasantly surprised very soon….happy to be unproven.

The road is literally shaped like a camel’s back, and hence its name. The curve never ends, atleast till I walked it didn’t. It was August, and rains kept the weather cool and mushy. There were three exquisite phases of my walk. In the first, I met a sweet little fellow, a week old (won’t explain how I knew that) white pup, shivering under a tree. I stopped when I saw him; we gazed into each other’s eyes for a while, and then I wondered what to do (am very scared of dogs, especially pups!). Unsure, I kept on walking, faster this time. Soon I came across a small tea shop. The owner’s kids were only too happy to know about the creature, and ran before I could say ‘pup’. I stayed there for a while, had tea sitting on a dilapidated bench overlooking the mountains….what a sight! The only thing I missed then was music…..that lay a little ahead.

In the second phase of my walk, I met a young man playing guitar. Perhaps he was as much in awe as me, atleast that is what his music conveyed. Another break for me; I sat down and drowned in melody for the next few minutes. As I got up to leave, I thanked the young man, said a few words in appreciation of his talent, and, moved on.

The third phase was a quick visit (?) to an old graveyard. It was eerie, standing there in silence, in front of the main gate that was locked. Yes, humans are not allowed there anymore (we are not trusted here also, shame on us!). Only one thought comes to my mind when I think about a graveyard…..papa. Well, how ironic that moment was….so enchanting, and at the same time, so poignant.

Alas! I had to turn back, go back to the place I was staying at. I started walking with a heavy heart, gloomy at the thought of losing those moments, ecstatic to have gained blissful memories for a lifetime! But the most wonderful part of my short journey was…that I wasn’t alone. It wouldn’t have been the same without you.

Empathy - do you have it?

There is one thing good about me that I know for sure - I can empathize. Yes I am being immodest, and I am not ashamed. In my 27 years of life, I have learnt that if people in this world have an iota more of empathy, there will be more peace around. And I am not talking about empathy with the poor and needy. No, I am talking about things much less significant, but which can have a gargantuan impact on our lives.

No, empathy is not about saying "I understand", its about understanding, and sometimes about saying "I know I can't understand, but I will try". There is a diference. Empathy is never negative. So, for instance, your best friend hasn't called you for three months and you think "She doesn't want to speak to me, she has changed". This is not empathy, its just the opposite infact:)

When you empathize, you don't judge people; you put yourself in their shoes. You don't have preconceived notions, you don't jump to conclusions without knowing the truth, and in the process, you hurt yourself a little less, because you know the other person did not intend to hurt you. Its very basic - nothing complicated. However, on most occasions, people have unbending beliefs that they prefer to stick to, unaware of the fact that life does not hold the same meaning for every individual. What you see as red, might not be red for someone else. What works for you, might not work for someone else. What the other person has gone through, you might never experience in your entire life, unless, you empathize.

Empathize with people you know- it precludes misunderstandings. Empathize with strangers, you will evolve as a human being when you are able to understand their needs, feel it the way they do. Before you have any unconstructive thought, spare a moment to think - "Are there any other possibilities?" In most cases, there will be.

Its not very difficult, is it?

Indebted for Life!

No, this is not a romantic post:) Nor does it talk about spirituality. It is simply about friends - friends, hard to find, harder to keep (?)

I have often wondered whether I am a 'good' friend for my friends. Then I think, after all what is a good friend?? Am I as good as my friend? Its tough...very often my evaluation criteria are not the same as those used by my friends:) I know I know, you never 'evaluate' friends....but, well, I did not get a better word (don't tell me you have never 'evaluated' a friend???)

But one thing I know, is that just like lovers, you need to 'connect' with you friends. Difficult to explain...all I can say is that it comes from within. Either you feel it (that you connect with your friend) or you don't...and you will know almost immediately in both cases.

Coming back to the title of this post, I am going to mention a few friends (no names!) to whom I am indebted for life (serious!) because of one or more incident(s) which touched my heart. Indebted for life means that nothing else matters....we are friends forever, no matter how much we fight. With these friends, I just know that i will never lose touch, even if we talk once a year. I know that they will always be there for me, and me for them. There will be moments of disappointment/hurt, for me or them, but something inside will tell you almost instantly - "are you crazy?..." And then you will just laugh it off....

Friend A, a very close friend, also a guide and philosopher. I truly believe she and I were either sisters or mother and daughter in my pevious life! Its strange how there are times when I am really upset with her, and the next moment I feel like just hugging her and telling her its okay, I am sorry (irrespective of whose fault it is/was::))! So here is why I am indebeted to her - she was with me in my lowest moment in life till date. The difference is, she was with me BY CHOICE. While the phase lasted several months, there was this particular day which comes to my mind always. I was desparate, broken, shattered, sitting alone in a park and crying my heart out when she called to find out where I was. She knew why I was there, and she knew there was no hope. But she gave it to me - hope. Before my tears were dry, she was there, beside me, comforting me. In those few moments I truly believed my destiny will change, God will be kinder, everything will be fine. The pain lessened, almost immediately. Only now do I realise, that I REALLY needed her with me that day....and, then, she knew it more than me. Thank you friend, you are the only person who provides me support without knowing about it:)....

Friend B is this friend whom I love to hate:) Whenever we talk, we almost end up fighting. Clearly, there are very few similarities between us...yet we have been friends for almost 17 years now! We have hurt each other, fought, cried and made up...and the friendship has only grown to be stronger. I would have thought it was sheer miracle..but for a few instances that have sealed our friendship forever! She refused to believe my excuses on holi (that pissed me off like nothing can...I would shout at her from my balcony and she would just smile, waiting for me to come down...and I did!!!) She is one person on whom I can take out all my frustration when I am angry, and the next day we will be back to cracking silly jokes:). Thanks buddy, life wouldn't be same without you...

Friend C is an intellectual. Whenever I think about her I feel that is how I would want my daughter to be someday:)..(oh, difficult task its gonna be!!). She is a chatter box, a little kid who has grown up to become a strategy consultant. At work, we would constantly fight about the airconditioner - she had a permanent cold and wanted it off all the time! I always thought that she was too practical, not as sensitive as I would want her to be.....till one day I got a greeting card from her. This was also during that phase of my life where I talked about Friend A. I had spoken to her, told her what was going on....and was a bit disappointed when I did not hear many comforting words from her. Then a few days later I got this card....from what she had written, I thought no one could understand it the way she did....that made such a difference. Truly, words can do what actions never ever can (and she has anyways mastered this art!). And who sends cards by post these days??? In her own way, she was there for me....thank you my kiddo pal:)

Friends D, E and F - this is a gang. They will never leave you! For almost two years, they tried to get in touch with me...called me, mailed me and wanted to meet me...but I refused. At times, I was curt, and told them I don't feel like meeting anyone (same phase of my life...). They understood, gave me space, let me be...waited for me to come back to them. I took my time, but finally one day I came out of my self-created cocoon, and really felt like meeting them....and it did not take the three of them a second to say yes. I was expecting many questions when we met....but nothing. No explanations, no answers to awkward questions...we met like old school friends meet after 10 long years! What an amazing feeling....I feel blessed to have you as friends!

There are some other such examples, can't mention all of them here. Happy to have so many friends (friends are always good, I have realised....others are not friends)!! Life is bliss...just to know you guys are there:)

man's search for meaning (Victor Frankl)

another book, another blog....

well, this one is based on experiences in a concentration camp during the holocaust. funny, but i had been searching for a long time, for a book that would describe in details what prisoners at Austwitch went through. this quest for info started after reading Vikram Seth's Two Lives. The book touches upon Hitler and the holocaust, but not in details.

Victor talks about his own experiences, various phases that a prisoner goes through in the camp and how, with increasing anguish, he hardens towards life. there are moments when one feels one has risen above all the pain that life can inflict upon you. the transformation from a rational human being to a near-animal like being is smooth, given the intensity of pain (both mental and physical). and then, it stops hurting (mentally and physically....). yes its the same world, where babies sleep in their mothers' laps, where little girls play with their dads, families have meals together and lovers talk about being in heaven. strange, that in the same world, there are atrocities such as these, that can shake a man like nothing can (not even death...).

stranger is the fact, that it is man who has created these varied facets of life.......

one story narrated by Victor remains in my mind.....there was a man at the camp who once dreamt that he will be free on March 31st. he believed it completely, and started looking forward to his freedom...life with his family, no pain....

March 31st came, and he was still there..at the camp. so much he had hoped, that the disappointment of his dream not coming true killed him....he breathed his last that day....finally free.

How much do we hope...?

for one more day

Finished reading the latest from Mitch Albom today..."for one more day" - a story about a man who meets his dead mother for a day (only Mitch can deal with such subjects in a completely uncomplicated manner). the book has touched my heart, made me think, and brought back many childhood memories....which i thought of penning down.

i was 10 when dad expired. he wasn't with us when he breathed his last. i remember being woken up in the middle of the night, to be given this news. mum was unconsolable....she was only 36 then, with three kids...me the youngest. i remember lying down with her that night, on the carpet in the drawing room, gazing at the stars from the window at 5 in the morning...trying to understand how far heaven was.things were never the same after that. at that time, for me it probably only meant moving to a different city, new school, making new friends, and, not being able to put my head on dad's stomach while he slept. but mum had to go through much more - relations with some relatives soured, there was no one earning in the family (mum cud not work as she wasn't educated enough) and we all had to complete our studies, and above all, mum's personal life changed completely. from army style parties to no friends or relatives to go out with. she became lonely, very alone. her life centred around her kids, us....and she was always strong in front of us, encouraged me to play with friends and be happy....played with us at times, stayed awake when i studied at night.

inspired by Mitch's latest book, i decided to write down about the times my mother has stood up for me or just been by my side, with me. here it goes...the list is long, so i will pen down a few examples.

1) my first memories - mum had taken up a job at a local beauty parlour to be financially independent and also keep herself busy. money was a problem, but we had access to basic comforts of life. however, it often got difficult (mum often got cold drinks for us after selling old newspapers. it was a treat - everytime old papers were sold, we all used to decide about what to do with the money). mum used to go to the parlour after we went to school, come back for lunch and then go again. i used to hate the fact that she was not there to spend time with me after i came back from school. one day she was ready to return to the parlour after lunch, and i was almost in tears...told her "plz dont go, i get bored". she looked at me, stopped for a moment, smiled and said okay. that was it. she never went after that.

2) when i was applying for admission to colleges, and not getting in anywhere due to not so good marks, i went to one college to find out about seats. mum was with me (yes, throughout my college struggle, she was with me....in the bus, in the queues...). we were told at the college gate that admission was closed. but somehow, we managed to see the principal after my mum convinced a staff member. the principal, ofcourse keeping in mind the college regulations, was absolutely uncooperative, and almost curt. i got up to leave the room, but mum stayed. for 2 min she was lookin at me, then looked at the principal and folded her hands. she begged him to give admission to me as i really wanted to go to a good college. the principal was heartless...showing no respect for my mother. i had to almost drag mum out of her seat...

3) when i graduated (through correspondence) i was unhappy with my marks, yet again.... a third division. i was wondering what mum would say. but when i reached home, mum had baked a cake, looked extremely happy and hugged me saying "my daughter has graduated...its a big day!"....she did'nt bother about my marks...and ofcourse, now things are different:)

People often say that i worry too much about my mum, and spend too much time with her instead of friends. but i love her and no one will ever understand how it feels to have a single parent, unless u have seen it yourself. I have seen loneliness so close by, that sometimes i feel i have aslo become used to it. i often question God about why he did this to mum, but i know there are no answers. a young and beautiful lady, spending two third of her life without a man in her life....no friends either. finding solace in her children's happiness only...its not easy. i love you mom

Kolkata

though i have stayed in cal for over five years when i was a kid, the city looked very different this time from the memories i had. may be becoz all my memories were from an age when i was 2 ft tall....eveything looks huge then. now everything seemed to be smaller than what i remembered...my house, my school, my friend's place.....and even the streets.

the weather is still humid though, and the traffic still as bad (yes, despite the flyovers).must say i was a bit disappointed to see my house in garia hat......it looked like an abandoned place....not taken care of, and very depressing initially. apart from the shop outside the gate, nothing else has changed in and around that building....literally nothing. hmmmm, its not easy going back to a place which brings back waves of memories....some good, some not so good.

my school was another disappointment (no i thoroughly enjoyed my nostalgic trip, but there were moments which made me sad....i cudn't understand how i was feeling). school looked very small too....and dilapidated. my first reaction was "is there where i studied?"the salt lake house was a saviour.....just the same as i remembered it, and newly painted (though no one stayed there). sat for a while at the place where mum used to wait for us when we came back from school, where we got a photo clicked with papa....and where i smoked my first cigarette!well.....mission accomplished....all said and done, i was initially thinking that i will not come back to the city again...not becoz i dnt want to, but becoz my work is done....and there is nothing left here

but as soon as we started on our way back and i closed my eyes, i had a strange feeling......i will come back to kolkata...soon